Are you a sensitive lover? A metrosexual who understands women? Go away! Here’s the real man’s guide to lovemaking:

1. During foreplay: Her lips are toxic. Avoid kissing her lips. They are very bad and should be avoided at all cost. Get her clothes off already.

2. When getting undressed: Apologize for the extreme size of your manhood.

3. Grab and touch her breasts like they were bread dough. They are not there to be caressed, you should knead and roll them instead. She likes that.

4. Bite her nipples. She seems to enjoy this a lot, the sceams are all pleasure.

5. The 1-2-1 move: Kiss her lips, kiss tit 1 and tit 2 before you eat your main meal down “there.” It is a recipe for success!

6. Leave your socks on: Have you ever seen something sexier than a naked man in his socks?

7. Enter her without asking first. It’s a man’s world!

8. Ask if she has got an orgasm yet. Repeatedly. Women like this.

9. Come fast. Don’t think of her.

10. When she has her period: Don’t ask or warn her first, just come in her mouth when she gives you oral.

11. When in doggystyle, try to slip it in her ass. Pretend it is an accident.

12. Ask if you can “test” your new cell phone. She likes being photographed and distributed among your friends.

13. If it has been a long time since the last time you got laid, so you should definately thank her for the sex. This makes her feel special.

14. If at her place: Throw the condom under the bed when finished. She feels like you left a little bit of your love.

15. Talking is never a good thing after sex. Just rollover and go to sleep. If it’s a one night thing, ask her to go home first!

The real man’s 15 step guide to having sex

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